I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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