you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I found those 18 whoppers we bought.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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