ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Randomize