You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Randomize
