so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
