I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
