Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Randomize
