she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
