my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Randomize
