How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
Randomize
