Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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