The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
Randomize
