so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
