So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
OPIZZABONMYDICK
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
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