Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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