New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?
Just made a drug deal by throwing my money to my dealers window and receiving weed the same way. We are the definition of typical lazy stoners.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
His nipple licking is glorious
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