She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I need to stop coming to work sober
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Randomize
