he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Randomize
