I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Randomize
