So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
