theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
130 PACKAGES of glow sticks! The going rate of a rave is $38.30! GET READY FOR THE GLORGY!!!!!!!!!!!!
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
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