seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
