She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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