New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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