I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
