hotel room ftw
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
