I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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