I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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