I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
out of nowhere you said let us see your boobs, then proceeded to pull my shirt down.
i gets down
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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