Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Randomize
