It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Hmmm... I thought we agreed as a group we make our last stand in Philly...
I don't wanna go out like that. Covered in melted cheese smelling like a sewer rat...
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I forget how to act sober
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
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