I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
