I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I supernannyed him into submission
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
