Kiss
Puke
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
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