WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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