I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Randomize
