Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
Randomize
