I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I supernannyed him into submission
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