I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
You made out with two different species that night
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Randomize
