So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Randomize
