Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
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