I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
