So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
