u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize
