she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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