You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Randomize
