I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
