hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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