Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
He had one of those small greek statue penises
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Randomize
