Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
oh god the rape fog is back!
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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